Welcome to Awakening to Your Story the place to learn, get inspired and be supported with heart-centered solutions for your everyday life. I am Alicia Hartzell.
Today we are going to be adding Boundaries to your Emotional Tool Library. We are going to talk about how to create and communicate emotional boundaries. And if you have ever had your boundaries trampled by someone, we are going to be talking about what most often goes wrong in those situations.
As a side note: While the principles we are going to look at are the same, if you are a parent or loved one creating a boundary for a child it is a little bit different. This is because as a parent you are creating boundaries for yourself but you are also using your parental authority to create boundaries for them.
Creating An Emotional Boundary:
An emotional boundary is an action you are going to take so that you can stay in a place of inner wellbeing or inner alignment. That is right, a boundary is actually an action. Creating a healthy boundary start by understanding who you want to be and how you want to feel. The focus is on your heart and story. Once you know that, you can then create actions that will help you stay in that place. Those actions actively create the boundary to protect that state of inner wellbeing or alignment.
There are two typical missteps that happen when creating a boundary. Both happen when we focus on the other person rather than our own heart and story.
The first is thinking that an emotional boundary is something you ask someone else to do to keep you in a state of wellbeing or alignment. This may ruffle a few feathers but stick with me. Requesting that a person do something so that you can feel any particular way leaves them with the power over how you feel. The langue that says, “do this so that I feel a particular way” is co-dependent and is not a boundary it is a request that is focused on the other person. A true healthy boundary requires no action from the other person.
The second happens when we create what we think is a boundary but it is really just a statement that is designed to validate of someone wrongness. This is a language that might say, “You can’t treat me that way because you are the one who is out of line and wrong here.” Focusing on how wrong someone is, as it relates to you, doesn’t create a boundary. Asking them to change doesn’t create a boundary. Both are focused on them and not on your own heart.
So to review: A healthy boundary starts with your own heart, knowing who you want to be and how you want to feel in a place of inner alignment for your own wellbeing. And is then created by knowing what actions you will take to protect and maintain that state of wellbeing and alignment.
Communicating An Emotional Boundary:
Communicating what you will do in response to another person’s actions is a beautiful way to use your voice and allows the person to see your boundary. It also creates an opportunity for the situation to shift in a way that feels better for you. It may even shift the situation to feel better for the other person as well. Communicating your boundary allows the other person to decide what their action will be in response to your boundary. You have zero control over their response. Remember your boundary isn’t about them it is about the action you will take to stay in a place of wellbeing. I want you to remember that in opening up a dialog about your boundary you are creating room for the situation to change not your boundary.
Another thing to keep in mind when communicating your boundary is the other person’s emotional capacity. If you know the other person doesn’t have the emotional capacity to see or respect your boundary, you get to decide if you even want to communicate the boundary with them. That’s right you get to choose. Remember your boundary is for you not them. You have the right to take that action to keep yourself in a state of wellbeing whether you tell them about it or not. You do not have to share your boundary, you just have to be ready to take the action required to protect your inner alignment and wellbeing.
Let’s walk through a couple personal examples.
A Communicated Boundary:
I have a person in my life who was going through a tough transition and who was leaning on me for emotional support. It got to the point where the friendship become very one sided and the conversations about the suffering were endless and repetitive. They kept asking for my help but weren’t really listening or taking the help that was being offered. It was draining me and I felt taken advantage of so I knew I needed to create a boundary for myself.
My boundary started with me knowing who I wanted to be and how I wanted to feel. I wanted to be a supportive person in their life. I didn’t like feeling taken advantage of so I decided I wanted to feel grounded and remain feeling positive when I talk with them. The action I will take to keep that inner state of alignment for myself is to exit the conversation when they ask me to take on the role of helper. The boundary is exiting the conversation when I am being taken advantage of in conversations that doesn’t feel reciprocal.
I knew this person had a broad enough capacity of heart to have a conversation about it. So we did and it helped both of us feel better supported in the friendship. In that dialog they asked if they could pay for my time to help them create a more solid path forward. They were paying money to have that dialog so they became more invested in listening and using that time to help them create action to make their situation better. My boundary helped them double down on themselves. And when our regular friendship conversation starts to pull in that direction I will just mention to them that if they want to talk about that it is better talked about in a session. It is up to me to hold that boundary by take the action needed to stay in my own alignment and wellbeing.
A Non-Communicated Boundary:
I have someone in my life that isn’t going anywhere but has a history of one-upping, comparing, and gas lighting me as a way of self-preservation. This person doesn’t have the emotional capacity to respect a boundary without activating one of those acts of self-preservation. Opening up a dialog about it is not going to help me build a better relationship with them or stay true to the boundary. In this circumstance it is better for me to know my boundary and take those actions when in situations with them without needing to communicate it to them in anyway.
My boundary starts with knowing who I want to be and how I want to feel. I want to be someone who can love this person unconditionally and see what is emotionally mine and what isn’t. I want to feel safe and like the full expression of myself. The actions I will take to keep that inner state of alignment include, gently ending a conversation when their actions or words start to make me feel diminished, changing or pivoting the conversation when their self-preservation starts to trigger any kind of old damaging feelings and, not sharing things that are too close to my heart.
The boundary asks nothing of them but allows me to feel good when in relationship with them. It keeps me in a place where I get to be in a state of wellbeing no matter what may be going on with them.
Remember you have the power to create a boundary and hold a boundary whether you tell the other person or not. Your boundary is not for them it is for you!
Ok, I am here if you have questions or need help figuring out how to create a boundary for your specific situation. Leave your comments, like and share this video and post, subscribe to my YouTube channel, and until next time know that I am holding a place of love for you have the power to create a boundary and protect your inner alignment and wellbeing.
