Today’s Question:
Dear Alicia –
I keep bringing the wrong people into my life; friends, lovers, and business relationships too. I know they are wrong because they end up letting me down and making me feel like crap about myself. I just want to find good people that I can count on and enjoy. How do I bring the right people into my life? – Signed In Search of My Tribe
My Answer For You:
In the words of Oprah and Mia Angelou, “We all do better, as we know better.” All those “wrong people” are doing the best they can just like you. Now I know that doesn’t take the sting out of what happened in the relationships but I hope it bring some neutrality into the picture, because we are about to flip the perspective around a bit.
Everything in your life happens for you not to you, yes even all these wrong people in your life; they are there to help you. Everything in your life is also a reflection of your own being. It is all information that reflects the inner workings of your heart.
Now when you have many things in your life pointing to the same information, I like to call this volume. So if you have the same thoughts running through your head about different part of your life its as if your heart is turning up the volume so that you know where to pay attention.
Volume happens when you are not paying attention to what is going in your emotional heart space. Volume is a gift to help you build clarity around limiting beliefs that no longer serve you and are holding you back and your essential truth that is fundamental to you.
I talk a lot about this in the Awakening to Your Story – Starter Kit and you can always grab a kit to take a deeper look at volume or you can also find out more information in the Awakening to Your Story Book. But for now know that what brought you to this question is volume and it is designed to help you.
We will get back to volume in just a moment and let’s look at focus and momentum. Where you focus builds momentum for what you’re thinking and what you think creates the life you are experiencing. So let’s just get curious. What if they are not the wrong people? What if it’s not about them at all? What if you changed the focus?
What happens if you look at those wrong people as a reflection of something within you? We know that focusing on them and their wrongness only creates more of that energy and momentum that you don’t like. What if you saw this as the perfectly designed experience to help you?
Remember everyone and everything that comes into your life is a mirror to your own being. So rather than reacting to the disappointing person you use them to find the limiting beliefs that have been holding you back this whole time. You take the focus off the other person and put it on yourself. Your heart, story, and being are the only thing you can shift and change so it is way more productive to focus here.
This is how you shift your focus from the wrongness of the people in your life to your own heart. First of all take all the blame out of it. Turing it inward doesn’t mean activate the blame game! Don’t take all the wrongness you are feeling about the other person and place it on yourself, so you can feel shame and disappointment. No, shake that off and get curious and neutral about the whole thing. This is where you use the volume in the situation to find clarity to set yourself free!
Once you take that friend, lover, partner or businessperson out of the equation, all you are left with are the words around feelings and thoughts they evoked. Get curious about those things that you can’t get out of your head, because there are there to illustrate what is going on in your own heart.
So let’s create an example with the question you offered, so you can see what I mean. You mentioned you want people that you can count on. You also said that the people in your life let you down. As these thoughts keep coming up in your thinking, they are trying to illustrate a limiting belief that has been working in the background in contraction to your essential truth.
If you take the other people out of the equation, that co-worker, friend, or love relationships, and just look at the neutral information that they leave behind, you find this idea or sensation of being let down. Then you get curious about that feeling you have been carrying around with you.
When was the first time you felt that sensation of being let down by people? See if you can find the origin story. When you find the origin story to the limiting belief you start to see that it isn’t really yours. It’s something that was handed to you by another person who was suffering in same way, or it was something you picked up as a byproduct of your own challenging situation.
We cover this origin story work in the Awaking to Your Story Book and Starter Kit. If you want to read through examples stories of this origin story work the book is really useful. If you want to walk through exercise to help you do this you can find the Starter Kit on the website.
But you can absolutely work through it on your own. As you find the origin story, your job is to release the focus and patter of thinking associated with the limiting belief as you start building up your pattern of thinking around your truth. The language for your truth is usually found illustrated by the very thing you need to hear in that origin story moment.
So if we go back to the example of feeling let down or disappointed, maybe you found a limiting belief that says, “I can’t count on anyone.” As you look for an origin story around that feeling maybe you come up with a time that a family member let you down in a big way. The feelings wrapped up in that origin story moment have been playing on repeat in your mind causing a limiting belief to form.
From there you go back to that younger version of yourself and love them in the way that only you know they needed to be loved. As you do this you might uncover language like; “you are fully supported” or “you are worthy of being loved and seen.” Both of these thoughts are fully aligned with your essential truth.
Again you can find step-by-step instructions and exercise that walk you through this process in the Awaking to Your Story Starter Kit.
As you shift this limiting belief back to your essential truth, you will start calling in reflections of that in the people around you. Rather than having thoughts of lack and disappointment directing your experience you will have thought of worthiness, support and connection directing them. Your vibe will feel better and more aligned with your truth and so will your tribe!
As you re-pattern your thinking back to your truth, you are going to have to spend some time really thinking about what these new truths feel like for you. Then start to dream about how they will feel as part of your new relationships. Really own it; Write about it, daydream about it, mediation on it and make those new feelings really come to life.
If an old thought comes in just use it as an opportunity to keep cleaning up your thinking, by incrementally choosing thoughts more aligned with your truth. If another crappy person comes in, just acknowledge it as an exercise to choose your truth over the limiting belief that is still lingering. Then circle back and curious about where your focus is being held.
Just keep reaching for thoughts that incrementally feel better and more plugged into that truth. And as you do, keep looking for reflections of it out in the world around you. Witness them, acknowledge them, and start owning that truth even more.
Remember it all comes back to your own heart. So be courageous enough to look in the very place it all starts, and keep building what you want one love-filled thought at a time.
Knowing that until next time I am holding a place of love for you where finding your tribe is undeniable.
As you watch the video or listen to the podcast version, know that I holding a place of love for you where your path to your truth is undeniable.
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