I got a really good question about being afraid to tell a friend how you feel or what you want. They were worried about ruining or making the relationship awkward.
I will always advocate for you to use your voice and express yourself.
And even above and before that I will advocate for you to focus on what is going on inside your own heart and story. Your emotions and feelings are not there to rule over you, they are there as tools and indicators to help you better navigate your way through your life.
Having the feelings of being worried or afraid means it’s time to check in with yourself before you do anything else.
Fear even in it’s simplest form activates your amygdala. This is the fight, flight, or freeze part of your brain that is all about survival. That primal part of your brain keeps you locked into the loop of fear and worry because it’s designed to help you survive. If this part of your brain is activated then you don’t have access to your prefrontal cortex, where the solutions, inspiration, and higher-level thinking happen.
So it’s really valuable to learn that you have power over your mind, it doesn’t have power over you. This super power is called Metacognition. You have the power to witness your thoughts and then make the choice to shift your thinking and activate a whole different part of your brain. With every thought you have the power to determine what part of your brain you activate.
All of this is setting the stage for three things I want you to try when you have those thoughts of fear and worry about talking with your friend about how you feel.
- Get Your Heart And Mind In A Place Of Alignment.
- Figure Out What You Really Want.
- Look For The Logical Next Step Forward.
Get Your Heart And Mind In A Place Of Alignment.
Getting your heart and mind in a place of alignment means finding your way back to your prefrontal cortex. It means taking a breath and shifting your focus off of your friend and onto your own heart and story. With every breath and with every thought you pull the focus back to your heart. Once you are there you be able to physically feel the difference.
Again this video is great for tips to help you find that alignment.
In this place of alignment your essential truth rings true. There is a natural understanding that you are worthy just as you are. Your strength, capability, wholeness, and value it’s all woven right into your heart and when you are in this place of alignment it becomes easy for you to reach for and believe.
You can focus on thoughts like:
- In this moment I am safe and sound.
- Everything is working in my favor.
- This is my story.
- I have the power to choose my thoughts.
- I’ve got this.
- I am strong and capable.
- I am whole just as I am.
Once you have found that inner alignment then you can move onto the next step.
Figure Out What You Really Want.
So often we don’t really think about this step with any depth. With this interaction what outcome do you want and what is it that you want to validate with the conversation?
Using your voice is one of the most valuable things you can do as a human being. But what is it you really want your voice to express. Each situation will be different but it’s worth it to take this step seriously and really figure out what it is you are hoping to accomplish with your voice.
The person who wrote to me had a friend who wasn’t engaging with her much anymore because she had shifted her attention onto another group of friends. She was afraid she would ruin the friendship or make it awkward if she said anything to the friend about it.
For her it’s important to get curious about her why first. To find the why just start to get curious about your end goal.
- Is the end goal is to spend more time with the friend?
- Is the end goal is to make the friend feel bad for not spending time with her?
- Is the end goal is to validate the sadness and suffering she has experienced because of their actions?
- Is the end goal to have them fill some sort of void within yourself to prove that you are worthy?
- Is the end goal to hold her accountable to leaving you out in the first place?
All of this matters and activates a part of the brain and heart and informs how you end up using your voice.
If the end goal is to have the other person validate where you are or to hold the other person accountable for your feelings of being left out, then you have to realize there is good chance your friend might not want to have any part of that.
If the end goal is to spend more time with them but, you come into the conversation trying to fix your sadness and the void you have been feeling in your heart by having them fill that space, you might come across as desperate.
This is a great time to look at the voice of co-dependent verses consciously independent conversations.
Co-dependent Conversation Says = I need you to do this so that I feel this particular way within myself.
Consciously Independent Conversation Says = I take responsibility for what I think and how I feel and I want to engage with you from that place of wholeness within myself.
Co-dependent conversation focuses on and hands over a lot of the power to the other person.
Consciously Independent conversations help you focus where you have power, your heart and story.
Once you know what it is you really want then it’s time for the next step.
Look For The Logical Next Step Forward.
When you’re in a place of inner alignment and you know what you really want all of that fear and worry falls away. You are thinking from your prefrontal cortex and what you want feels really clear to you. This allows you to easily look for the next logical step forward.
From that higher lever, solution-oriented place of thinking, your next logical step will feel right and good. It will feel logical and maybe even easy for you. Don’t worry if it doesn’t show up right away. Just keep looking for your next action that feels in alignment with your heart and mind.
I am here if you need any help along the way. Leave your comment on the video and let me know where you might be getting stuck or if you have any questions.
Remember no matter where your mind and heart might be right now, you are valuable, powerful, and worthy just as you are.
