Let’s talk about how to overcome shyness and step into a place of inner power around other people. There are lots of ways to talk about and think about shyness. For example you can look at it through the classification of being introverted or an extroverted or even your birth order in your family. Things like this can be contributing factors to your willingness to put yourself out there, speak up in a room of people, or feel comfortable in your environment.
Today we are going right to the heart of the situation. As we look for a heart-centered solution for shyness we are going to be focused on your emotional heart and the emotional tools that can help fortify you along the way.
I created the Emotional Tool Library so that you can use them interchangeable for all sorts of different social situations. We are going to be look at 4 of these Emotional Tools to help you do the inner work so that you can overcome shyness. I have also included a 5th bonus video about being a better communicator that will help you with the eternal work of interacting with other people.
- Mindfulness & Mental Emotional Time Travel
- Your Inner Voice
- Power of Choice
- Point of Reference
- *BONUS* How to Be A Better Communicator
We are going to talk about each of them and how they apply to overcoming shyness, but I want you to also go back and watch the videos or read the blog so that you can learn the tools on a broader level.
Let’s start by thinking about what shyness looks like and feels like. There is this sense of making yourself small or shrinking down with timidity. There may be the feeling of awkwardness, nervousness, being uncomfortable in your own skin. You may feel reluctant to even participate which makes you want to shrink down even more. If you have been there you know it all too well.
Ok, let’s look at the 4 tools and how they apply to overcoming shyness.
Emotional Tool 1 For Overcoming Shyness-
Mindfulness & Mental Emotional Time Travel:
The first tool I want to look at is Mindfulness & Mental Emotional Time Travel. Learning to be mindful is going to help you be present when you are in a social situation. Being able to find a state of conscious awareness and allow yourself to be fully present no matter your surroundings helps you feel rooted in a place of inner strength.
Participating in mental emotional time travel happens when your thoughts take you out of your present moment.
So let’s say you are in a social dynamic with other people. You feel that pang of fear and then your thoughts travel backwards on your timeline replaying moments from your past that felt awkward. All of a sudden your present moment gets stolen and now feels doomed to be like moments from your past. This means you are no longer being mindful instead rewinding into the past and replaying those negative loops keep you stuck in a cycle of past suffering in the present moment.
In a similar way you can travel forward with your thoughts. Let’s say you are in a social dynamic with other people and all of a sudden you get hit with a pang of anxiety. Fast-forwarding your thoughts into the future can create anxiety about what might happen or not happen. The “what ifs” that come with time traveling your thoughts into the future can lead you into a similar state of continued suffering. What if I am not enough? What if they don’t like me? What if I they think I am weird or if I mess us and say something stupid? Thoughts like these mean you are no longer being mindful but instead have fast forwarded yourself into a similar negative loop that keep you stuck in a cycle of suffering.
When you use Mindfulness and Mental Emotional Time Travel as an emotional tool to help you overcome shyness it’s important to let yourself take each social encounter as a new fresh experience. This leaves room for the possibility that is inherently woven into each new experience.
Now you have the power to direct your thoughts. To direct them you have to first realize you don’t have to simply take direction from them instead you can witness them for what they are. I always love to say feel your feeling but don’t blindly follow your feelings. Same goes for your thoughts. Witness your thoughts but don’t blindly follow your thoughts. Honing this skill of becoming a witness to your thoughts will be a game changer.
If you feel your thoughts pulling you forward and you feel even a twinge of anxiety then you know that you are not fully in the present moment being mindful. The same goes for when your thoughts rewind and you feel even a hint of dread because you think you know what is going to happen. Being able to witness your thoughts in this way is called metacognition and I like to think of it as a super power.
When you witness your thoughts in this way you then have the power to direct your thoughts back to the present moment. Focusing on your breathing is always a great way to find your way back to the present moment. You can also focus your attention on the things around you that are beautiful or that you can appreciate. Doing this also helps you find yourself mindfully in the present moment.
Emotional Tool 2 For Overcoming Shyness-
Your Inner Voice:
The second tool is your inner voice. This is the voice inside your head that narrates your experience. Metacognition also comes into play when using your inner voice as a tool. Being able to actively witness your thoughts rather then just following them gifts you the ability to have autonomy over them.
If your inner voice is running unchecked on autopilot then it is running according to your negative bias. Your negative bias scans for all the things that are wrong in hopes to help keep you “safe” from things that are meant to harm you. It keeps you linked to limiting beliefs you picked up along the way by replaying them over and over again like a broken record. This becomes that autopilot inner voice reminding you that you aren’t enough or that something must be wrong with you. It wants to limit your hopes for things to be different because it’s expecting things to always be bad.
If you use your inner voice as a tool and use your metacognition then you have the power to take your thoughts off autopilot and make some conscious decisions about what you want to think and how you want to feel. The best way to do this is to start by actively witnessing your thoughts and noticing if they are filtering through a positive bias or a negative one. In this one act you are gifting yourself more power over how you feel. Building up a positive bias is like rewiring your brain to think from a place of possibility. So rather then thinking from your amygdule your can think from your prefrontal cortex.
Please, please, please go read or watch this emotional tool information in its entirety! I walk you through all sorts of ways to really take ownership for this tool. We talk about how the brain work and about building up a positive bias. I teach you how to use the Peña Colada beach analogy and tool to help you choose positive your thoughts. But for the purpose of dealing with shyness I want you to really hone in on how much power your inner voice has over your social experience.
You are standing in a group of people and all of a sudden without even noticing it; your inner voice starts to bully you about the dynamic you are in. You narrate the situation from the negative bias and doom yourself to all the negative thoughts that filter in. Maybe some of them are part of the time travel, maybe some of them are about the limiting beliefs you have about yourself and your ability to be comfortable in social situations. But it all leads to you feeling bad about the situation and yourself.
If you use this tool to help you overcome shyness then when you are in that group of people you start by actively watching your thoughts and where they are coming from. Rather then following them instead you gift yourself the power to shift where your inner voice is narrating. You have the power to choose to narrate through a positive bias and place of possibility. So thoughts start to filter in about feeling good in your own skin, and the possibility of contributing to the conversation. You choose a thought that says I am a value add and that you enjoy participating with people.
Even if that isn’t happening yet and you are still standing on the outside of the conversation you are internally narrating from a place that feels better and leaves room for possibility. If you are narrating from this place there is less of the feeling of shut down that comes with shyness and more standing in your power space of what could be possible and positive.
Emotional Tool 3 For Overcoming Shyness-
Power of Choice:
The third tool goes hand in glove with the second tool. Your Power of Choice is a profound emotional tool that actively gifts you autonomy over what you think. There is always both a positive and negative options to any given thought. Both can even be true at the same time. Understanding that you have the power to choose which one you think and focus your attention on give you the power back in your story.
I know it doesn’t feel like you have the power to choose your thoughts. Trust me I have been there, where my mind is on autopilot thought after thoughts filtering through my negative bias, leading me to feel bad about myself and my situations. But I am here to tell you that you absolutely have the power to choose your thoughts.
This tools helps you go from a negative thought, to a neutral place, then to a positive thought. Please go read or watch the full information about this tool because owning and actively using this tool will absolutely help you feel better no matter what kind of situation you find yourself in.
But for the purposes of using this tool to overcome shyness let’s walk through what it might look like. When you are using your inner voice as a tool using your power of choice helps you create ownership for the leap from the negative bias to the positive one.
So let’s take you back to that same social dynamic where you are with a group of people but you feel like you are awkwardly on the outside looking in. You have a choice to make. Will you choose to focus on the negative or on the positive? I know you want to think there isn’t a positive but that is just your negative bias lying to you trying to keep you small. If you start to think about the negative you can use your metacognition to witness the negative thought and then you have the power to choose to keep your focus filtering through your negative bias or choose to focus through a positive bias.
If you what to choose the positive bias then you simply reach for a thought that feels better. Like I may not be fully engaged in the circle but I am in the circle. Then you just keep reaching for thoughts that feel incrementally better. Like I have the desire to engage with these people on a deeper level. One thought and one feeling at a time you have a choice to make.
Emotional Tool 4 For Overcoming Shyness-
Point of Reference:
Ok point of reference is that last emotional tool we are going to talk about today. Whether you realize it or not your point of reference often determines how you feel.
You are the author of your story and the main character who lives it all into existence. You are the writer, director and star of the story of your life. You are designed to have your point of reference be your heart, being and consciousness. From this point of reference you have a sense of inner alignment and autonomy over your thoughts and feelings. Whatever external circumstance you face you look inward to your own heart and consciousness to help you navigate your way through.
If something or someone external has become your point of reference then they start to feel like the main character of your story. Then what they do starts to determine how you feel about yourself, and can lead to you feeling like you have no power in the situation.
When you apply this to overcoming shyness this tool helps you check in to make sure you haven’t accidentally allowed someone else or a group of people become the main character in your story.
So let’s go back to that same example where you are with a group of people but you feel like you are awkwardly on the outside looking in. This is where you check in with yourself to make sure that these people have not become your point of reference. Check in to make sure that you aren’t handing over main character, director or writer status over to them. What they think about you can’t mean more to you then what you think about you. How they might be showing up in that moment can’t determine how you feel about yourself. You have to be rooted in those things for yourself first. It’s from that place of inner alignment; knowing your heart, moving from your own consciousness that you are going to have something valuable to offer the group dynamic.
How to Be a Better Communicator:
OK – I know that is a lot of information to internally think about and process but I want look at ways to externally help you shift out of feeling shy. The 5th Bonus video is about how to be a better communicator. We look at internal and external tips that you can apply in the middle of any social situations. While they are pretty straightforward I hope that you take the time to read or watch the video to get the full picture of how to hone your communication skills.
Internal Tips:
- Be present.
- Know what you really want to say.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want or need, understanding that people might not be able to give it to you.
- Know when to say nothing.
External Tips:
- Be interested and curious.
- Hold space with respect and appreciation.
- Actively listen.
- Ask engaging questions.
So let’s take you back to that same social dynamic where you are with a group of people but you feel like you are awkwardly on the outside looking in. First you use all of your emotional tools to make sure you are present and mindful, making sure your inner voice is off autopilot and activated through a more positive bias, you are consciously choosing your thoughts through a place of possibility, and that your point of reference is on your own heart and story.
From there you start to feel more confident in who you are and what is possible. Staying present you can start to engage with the other people by staying curious in what they are saying, then actively listening and participating in the dialog with confidence.
Even if it feels awkward at first, just keep trying to feel your way through. Each interaction is a new opportunity to build up your inner strength. Remember it all happens one thought and feeling at a time. You have the power to rise within your heart and story.
I can and will tell you that you matter, that you are worthy, and I cheer you on to rise within yourself… But it is even more important that I teach you to find ownership for that worth and value, because it is truly your birthright.
You don’t have to keep shrinking down to make yourself small, weighted down by an internal negative bias. You are worthy as you are, just by being you. And it’s time to offer yourself the opportunity to live into that truth. It is time to learn how to use these tools to become even more grounded in who you truly are.
Let me know if you have questions, I am here to help.
Subscribe to my emails and my YouTube channel, like and share the video and blog, and until next time, know I am holding a place of love for you where you feel confident and valuable in all your social situations.
Remember you can take it one next logical step forward at a time.
